The Users Guide To Arthur Castus
by homeric
Summary: Congratulations on your purchase!


**A/N: This idea is not mine. If I knew who originally thought up the idea of character "user guides" then I would credit (and probably hug) them. I've read a few of these - er can't really say that they are fics….. Thingies and thought it might be fun to give the knights a go… just a bit of fun. Oh and Arthur isn't mine, although Clive Owen is on my christmas list lol.**

The User's Guide And Manual For

ARTHUR CASTUS

Copyright Brightknights Ltd.

Daisy May , Chief Technical Advisor

_CONGRATULATIONS!_

_You are now the proud owner of an ARTHUR CASTUS (henceforth ARTHUR) unit! In order to obtain maximum enjoyment from your King Of The Britons, please follow the instructions below._

_**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**_

Name: ARTHUR CASTUS

Type: Human (male)

Manufacturers: Pendragon and co.

Height: 1.85 metres

Weight: 170 lbs

Length: data protected

Colour: Black hair, green eyes, slight sweat/dirt sheen.

_**ACCESSORIES**_

Your ARTHUR unit will be shipped to you as soon as possible. Units are delivered fully clad in real leather armour with a wipe clean metal design on the hauberk and an elaborate but slightly silly helmet. In addition, your ARTHUR unit is supplied with a black shirt tailored to provide a tantalising glimpse of manly chest (patent pending), leather trousers, a sword wrenched from his father's grave and a dramatically "swishy" cloak (also patent pending). A crown is also incorporated in the package, although it is advised to only use this for special occasions when dressing your ARTHUR unit.

_**OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS**_

Your ARTHUR unit has been designed to be both user friendly and efficient. His controls are voice activated, but please be sure to speak slowly and clearly.

Aside from being visually attractive, a loyal companion, a talking point at dinner parties and a selfless protector of the innocent, the ARTHUR unit has many other uses.

_Handy-scapegoat_

Did you accidentally sit on your daughter's hamster? Did you forget a friend's birthday? Blame ARTHUR - hell even if you don't he'll blame himself anyway for having failed you.

_Professional mourner_

Got to go to a funeral for someone you didn't really like or care about? Send your ARTHUR unit instead. A couple of decades of burying his friends has equipped him with a well practiced look of inner turmoil and sorrow that will have even the stoniest hearted of great aunts wanting to take him home with them.

Note: it is not recommended to let aunts great or otherwise take possession of your ARTHUR unit - not if you want him back anytime soon that is.

_Scout/Guide group leader_

As leader of the Samartian knights ARTHUR is well skilled in both organisation and leadership. Dragging a group of unwilling people through hostile terrain comes naturally to him, so why not utilise this and ask him to take the local scout/guide troop for a hike?

Note: Should your ARTHUR unit fail to return, a TRISTAN unit may have to be sent out to find it.

_Bodyguard_

Your ARTHUR unit is equipped with a specially enhanced sense of honour chip and will not hesitate to risk his life for yours. It is not advised to wear short skirts or low-cut tops while out in public with the ARTHUR unit however, as flirtation from the opposite sex can be interpreted as insult and may lead to the perforation of the aforesaid person by accessory C (symbolic sword).

_**CLEANING**_

While your ARTHUR unit might initially protest at cleaning, it is important to maintain a grooming regime.

Note: We advise you not to allow your ARTHUR unit to interact with a GAWAIN or TRISTAN unit too often. Interaction can lead to the accumulation of braids and/or dreadlocks. Neither of these are compatible with the ARTHUR model.

It is important to shave your ARTHUR unit every couple of days. While stubble upon the unit's jaw gives it a sexy/manly ambiance, full on beard growth may cause people to flinch away from it in fear.

Hand washing is recommended for the ARTHUR unit. As well as keeping the unit in prime condition it allows the owner to inspect all moving parts and ensure that they are working correctly. We suggest that you do this while boyfriends/husbands/significant others are otherwise engaged - Brightknights Ltd. Are not liable for any divorce costs, damage to property or destruction to property in the event of arguments.

Do not tumble-dry your ARTHUR unit.

_**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**_

**Q**Does ownership of the King Of The Britons give me a legitimate claim on my neighbours' lands?

**A: **No. As shown in the case of Brewster v's Dyer regarding the position of garden boundaries, ownership of an ARTHUR unit makes no difference at all when it comes to property ownership or the erection of garden sheds. It should also be noted that sending the aforesaid unit around to intimidate the other party has a penalty of a five year jail sentence, and temporary confiscation of the unit (permanent if the judge is female).

_**Q: **_My ARTHUR unit reset to dignified-yet-enraged mode when I sent my other Castus Knight units out shopping. Why did this happen?

**A: **Will the units be forced to cross a particularly busy road or a housing estate containing violent or abusive people? The ARTHUR unit reacts angrily at perceived threats to it's companion units due to its specially enhanced noble-beyond-all-reason chip. Should damage occur to any of the other units it is prudent to relocate the ARTHUR unit to somewhere quiet, as research has shown that neighbours of the owners can become irate when the crying-to-God-why-oh-why mode is engaged.

**Q: **My ARTHUR unit is wandering around looking soulful and keeps "accidentally" bursting into the bathroom when my LANCELOT unit is showering. My LANCELOT unit has taken to barricading its bedroom door at night. What is happening?

**A: **Check the rump of your ARTHUR unit. If you see a "S" branded upon the perfectly formed buttock area, you have been sent a "slash" model. Slash models come with default permanent angst mode and prefer interlocking with the male units. Interaction with the GUINEVERE model almost always ends up with her somehow turning into an evil bitch with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. We are happy to exchange "slash" models for "het" models, however bear in mind that "slash" models can open up an entirely new social world when taken to gay clubs.

_**TROUBLESHOOTING**_

**PROBLEM**: My ARTHUR is grey of hair and looks squickily old when interacting with my GUINEVERE unit

SOLUTION: You have accidentally been issued with the now discontinued "First Knight" edition of ARTHUR. While we cannot exchange it for a Castus unit, we advise placing it for sale on ebay - ladies of a certain age often pay high prices for the vintage models. If you decide to keep the unit then it is not advised to expose it to any James Bond films from George Lazenby onwards. Tests have shown that this results in a permanent "muttering and grumbling" mode.

**PROBLEM**: My ARTHUR unit was sent to fetch my child from school and returned with the rest of the class, insisting that they were being held against their will, and that he intended to lead them to freedom.

SOLUTION: If you own a GUINEVERE unit, remove its clothes and place near the ARTHUR unit. The resulting interlocking of the units will give you enough time to return the children and apologise to the parents. If you do not posses a GUINEVERE unit, inform your ARTHUR unit that the PELAGIUS unit has been discontinued. This will cause your ARTHUR unit to revert to "Self-Doubt-And-Questioning-Everything-He-Has-Ever-Believed-In" mode. During this time you will find your ARTHUR unit quiet and introspective - do not be alarmed if kneeling/praying action is demonstrated - this is normal.

Note: If you also possess a LANCELOT unit, remove it to another room at this point. Kneeling/praying action in the ARTHUR unit often triggers lengthy and boring pontifications regarding religion between both units, and may send you to sleep before you have the opportunity to remove either units' clothes.

**PROBLEM: **My ARTHUR unit does nothing but cry and wallow in self pity. What can I do?

SOLUTION: Have you recently irreparably broken a TRISTAN, DAGONET or LANCELOT unit? The ARTHUR unit has been programmed to react to the destruction of other units in the Castus range with either rage or sorrow.

Note: Both rage and sorrow modes are automatically accompanied by the angst default setting.

Reminding your ARTHUR unit that there are still many people that he could potentially lead to tragic death may cause your ARTHUR to revert to it's usual brooding nobility setting, however if this does not work, placing the King Of The Britons crown provided with your unit upon its head may improve things.

**PROBLEM: **My ARTHUR unit is unhappy at the amount of time my LANCELOT and GUINEVERE units are spending together.

SOLUTION: Remind your ARTHUR unit that, unlike LANCELOT's, his accessory pack came with a crown.

_**FINAL NOTE**_

Due to certain quirks in the ARTHUR units design, we do not advise leaving it in front of the television when the news is on. Any rescues, coups, noble crusades or rescues undertaken by the unit are entirely the owners responsibility and not covered in the company liability agreement. We hope that you enjoy your ARTHUR unit, and provided that the above instructions are followed, are sure that it will provide you with many years of satisfaction.


End file.
